Dear Jesus,
This is what I really feel. I
feel I am older but went colder. I didn’t write you letter anymore. It’s more
than a debate of what I do and what I don’t. You said, “Sin will be rampant and
the love of many will grow cold…” why do I grow cold? I don’t even feel it
anymore. What it? Can your touch be substituted by it? Will then your presence
be compared to anything of earth? No. Your presence is something not even religiosity
can produce. Your presence is not just singing. It doesn’t come on second
chorus, when tone comes higher. It doesn’t come on mere program. O Lord, do I
really know your voice? Have I really touched that robe of grace, of healing?
When was the last time I felt you near? When was the last time I touched you
with all of me? Is this mere exaggeration or groaning of a longing heart? Your
move changed. I didn’t know any better then. It is as though my encounters with
you from the past can no longer fill the greater hunger I have. I’m starving –
yes! “cry out for nourishment”, you said. But Lord what good is nourishment if
I feel none of you? Still, I will pursue. It is more than emotion, it is more than
opinion. Seeking you includes the way you wanted to be sought. I had enough of
my futility from the past. This time, I’ll do it by the way you want it. Not
just a song, not just a continuous babbling, but a heart that beats only and
after you.
How can I describe the heart if the
one I have has already stopped beating? Death prowls in my lobes, suggesting a
frown of defeat and eagerness to curse. But Hallelujah it is; Jesus, rescued me
against myself. This deceitful ally within me is not a friend at all. yes! Come
to my rescue my Lord. Save me.
These are the carnality I have.
I can’t explain how dirty I feel inside while thinking those thoughts, seeing
those nightmares, hearing those whispers. This is the condition of my spirit.
Help me Lord. You said, “you must know the truth, and the truth will set you
free.” Free me from this guilt which hinders me to approach your throne. Let
there be a sudden release from this deepening depression. Even if I ignore it,
this is what imprisoned me. “Nothing in all creation was hidden from you. Even
night shines as bright as day to you.” How can I hide this defilement?
Confidential, it is. But how long will I hide behind this always spirit-filled
image of a man. How long must I conceal this Pharisaic mentality when the truth
is already bailing out my freedom? Yes! This is my case, the sum total of my
guilt. This is the pound of my heavy heart. Pretension after another has become
a deadly trap which devours me like leprosy. My heart is rotting away because
of this disease. But “Lord if you are willing, you can make me clean” a leper in
Matthew 8 said. And so do I Lord. Heal me against my sin. “For the glory of
your name O God, forgive my many, many sin.” I need your forgiveness again,
even if it means once again. Show your unfailing love as it is written, as it
was recorded. You are beyond my comprehension. Yes! The truth is, I don’t know
you enough. I need to grow. I need more of you to expel this corrupt of me. Fill
me again O Lord. Show your greatness. Show your grace. I long for you. Touch
me.
- Mac
Jan 31, 2011
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